I looked at my hair in the mirror a total of four times today. It looked the same every single glance I allowed myself. I decided what to make for dinner on what is my first day alone at home in a long, long time. Not long enough for me to forget how much I disliked this feeling same time last year. To say it’s been a blur would be a lie. I do chime in with agreement when people say the same ol’ “where did the year go?”, but I don’t believe it for a second. I’ve never been this present, this willing to channel inherent greatness, before. This is a new thing, where I vomit positivity and become that person I told myself I’d be. That girl. What a crazy girl.
She said she felt she was becoming more feminist, more of a woman and more of a fighter. She gets that it’s hard to succeed at pretty much everything but she still wants to try it all. She felt alone and refused to believe that what she was feeling was normal. She wanted an out-of-body-experience, where she could leave and stay at the same time. She missed a lot of people, she said. She missed a lot of familiar roads and places. She wishes she could drive! I wish I really knew where she wanted to go. I wish I could take her there. She tried to bury herself in books but she couldn’t. The sun seemed like the most normal thing to gravitate towards so she took her spare keys and she went. Everything was new and beautiful (confusing at times but oh so beautiful). It became more apparent that she was blessed. She knew her troubles were real but what a silly thing to think of when she could just go outside. Her feet narrow enough to fit into criss-cross sandals, tanned and sore and her heart alive. Alive with promises and plans and memories to be made. It seems like she found her purpose in this new place.
And all it took was the idea that she has to leave it for a few months, tomorrow.
I am looking forward to it like a hungry tigress. That “she” I was talking about up there, that’s me. It’s really me. It takes me a while to believe it but it is. I’m the eternal transient. As much as people like to believe they’re “settling down” after they get married, settled down is the last thing I am. I’m invigorated and I can’t sit still. I see things so differently than I did last May. I’ve had a lot more time alone where I sat and thought about myself as a whole, living, breathing human being, separate from whatever labels people chose to give me. Wife, lady dude, cat lady, hipster (this is a new one) and I shoved them aside. Who needs that pressure. I’ve had a tough enough time canvassing to my own grey matter, coaxing it to accept this crazy I have and go with it. It might be working. Boy, have I had a lot of help. Gratitude goes to those who helped, unknowingly and a peace sign to those who tried.
This is not my end-of-the-year post. I have a lot more ideas and brain musings that I can’t wait to get out into the world…after my plane ride. If you knew me last year, you’d see that my self-esteem wouldn’t let me be this way. Now it’s different. I already know what I’m making for dinner, right after I take out the recycling.
Hair still looks good!